[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- jake tapper. star of "f is for family," actor and comedian bill burr. featuring the 8g band with nikki glaspie. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that is great to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. special counsel robert mueller's office made a sentencing recommendation today for former national security adviser michael flynn who pleaded guilty

to lying to the fbi about his contacts with russia. i'd say trump is starting to sweat but that could be from anything. [ light laughter ] so many stairs. [ laughter ] sources told the "new york times" that president trump's ex-lawyer michael cohen feels his life has been destroyed by his relationship with president trump. oh, man, i feel the same way. when we started "late night" it was supposed to be a cooking show. [ laughter ] bailey's irish cream has announced that it will sell irish cream flavored chocolate baking chips, perfect for your child with a drinking problem. [ laughter ] no, you go to bed. yale university has announced it will install a new 24/7 emergency contraceptive vending machine on campus. said harvard students, wasn't yale already plan b? [ audience oohs ] [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ]

a high school in illinois recently suspended ten players from its football team after they voluntarily participated in a so-called oreo run where they stripped naked and ran across the field with oreo cookies wedged in their buttocks. [ laughter ] said one teacher, who put these back in the break room? [ audience oohs ] [ laughter ] a british company is selling an artificial christmas tree that only has branches on the top half to protect it from being ruined by cats. now the only thing that will be ruined by cats is your life. [ laughter ] in a recent "new york times" article, a harvard professor suggested that people eat only six french fries per sitting. the article is called we're taking away the only thing you have left. [ laughter ]

and finally according to a new survey, children have over 4,200 arguments with their parents by the age of 18. and for some people it's always the same one. your my father. no, i'm not. [ laughter ] we've got a great show for you tonight. he's the host -- [ cheers and applause ] of "the lead" on cnn, our friend, jake tapper is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] he is one of my favorite standup comedians who stars in "f is for family," now streaming on netflix. bill burr is here tonight, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] before we get to our guests, we don't always have enough time to cover all of the recent news. so here, with a recap is one of our writers, amber ruffin, in a segment we call, "amber says what." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> you guys! things have been crazy! okay, first of all, everyone was like, look at this cow and i was like, what? but then i saw the whole picture and was like, whaaaat?

[ laughter ] what does that cow eat? other cows? [ laughter ] then, on twitter, trump referred to himself as president t. and i was like, what? the only way we'll have a president t is if this guy runs in 2020. [ scattered cheers and applause ] trump also said that people told him he's like elvis, and i was like, what? the only way you're like elvis is that you will likely die on a toilet. [ audience oohs ] [ cheers and applause ] but -- [ applause ] not for 100 years because it never ends with you. then something hilarious happened. okay, a super far-right woman named laura loomer got banned from twitter and then handcuffed herself to twitter headquarters to protest. and i was like, what? she's going to get in so much trouble. but then twitter was like, who cares? police came, cut her free, and twitter didn't even press charges. i was like, what? [ laughter ]

girl, you handcuffed yourself to the thing you hate for no reason. also, look at this. she only handcuffed herself to one door. you're supposed to chain yourself to both doors so they can't open them, otherwise you're just a doorman. [ laughter and applause ] then -- then the national dog show happened and it was beautiful. it was fluffy little what after fluffy little what after fluffy little what. oh, it was great until one of handlers ate his dog's treat. look. >> standard wants you to take a good look at the hand of this breed. [ audience oohs ] >> i was like, what? that doggie worked hard for that treat and you ate it. that doggie stood still while a stranger touched his little doggie balls and judged them. he deserves a treat. you ate dog food as a grown man on national television.

instead of how i did as a child on a dare. [ light laughter ] then the crown prince of saudi arabia had a journalist murdered, and then he thought he could just show up to the g20 summit this week and be friends with everybody. but when it came time for hand shakes, all the other world leaders were like -- nope. no. nope. no, no. [ light laughter ] yeah, it's hard being a murderer. [ laughter ] then a woman got mad at southwest airlines because the ticket agent made fun of her child's name. her child's name, abcde, spelled a-b-c-d-e. [ laughter ] and i was like, w-h-a-t? this poor child. abcde. of course your child got made fun of at southwest. you named her after their boarding zones. [ laughter ] you know what kind of pain this child will have? i do because my middle name is mildred.

[ light laughter ] a-b-c-d-e-f that. then ivanka trump was asked recently about how she used her personal e-mail account to send official white house e-mails. but i did not hear her answer because i was like, what is this lighting? is this an interview or is she in an old disney movie with flying talking magic birds? she is literally glowing. but, you know, i can't relate. i don't need special effects to look good. [ cheers and applause ] all i need is five professional adults. [ light laughter ] they're so tired. oh, you know what? i think i get it. is it that you think soft lighting makes unpleasant things easier to hear? let me try. ivanka i believe you to be complicit in the destruction of our nation. >> and your dad is a dick.

>> that's right, birdie. >> that has been "amber says what." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: give it up for amber ruffin, everybody. amber mildred ruffin. we'll be right back with jake tapper. >> yay! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ jump in to old navy for up to sixty percent off the entire store. ♪ that's up to sixty percent off with sleep from seven dollars, sweaters from twelve dollars. need gifts today? buy online, pickup in-store. ends soon, at old navy! we hide hotel names, so you can find

four star hotels at two star prices. h-o-t-w-i-r-e (e-e-e-e) h-o-t-w-i-r-e we've shown just how far love can go.e the love event, (grandma vo) over one hundred national parks protected. (mom vo) more than fifty thousand animals rescued. (old man vo) nearly two million meals delivered. (mom vo) over eighteen hundred wishes granted. (vo) that's one hundred and forty million dollars donated to charity by subaru and its retailers over eleven years. (girl) thank you. (boy) thank you. (old man) thank you. (granddaughter) thank you. have a skincare routine. but what about a lip care routine? pay your lips some attention. the chapstick total hydration collection. exfoliate nourish naturally enhance your lips. chapstick. put your lips first. hey uh, quick question. do you like paying for things you don't need? no. and do you want to get things you love for free? who wouldn't? exactly! right. dad, apple music.

he gets it. this guy gets it. (vo) get six months free apple music, on the network you deserve. charmin ultra soft! ♪ it's softer than ever. charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. and it's softer than ever... so it's harder to resist. okay, this is getting a little weird. we all go, why not enjoy the go with charmin? being in love with your best friend is everything. this is ever us. one diamond for your best friend, one for your true love. now 30% off at kay. ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> seth: welcome back, everybody. give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also back with us tonight on drums, she's a fantastic musician who's played with icons beyonce and maceo parker and is also an advisory board member of the harold robinson foundation, which helps children from underprivileged homes. nikki glaspie is here everybody. [ cheers and applause ] thanks for being here, nikki. our first guest tonight is cnn's chief washington correspondent. and he also hosts cnn's "the lead" weekday afternoons as well as the network sunday show "state of the union." please welcome back to the show, our friend, jake tapper, everybody. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: this is lovely.

thank you for doing this. happy hanukkah to you, jake. >> thank you as well. you know, this reminds me, hanukkah is our friendship anniversary. >> seth: it is our friendship anniversary. >> because, well, i'm getting wax on your nice chair. >> seth: that's all right. please. >> and when i first met you, you invited me to "saturday night live." >> seth: yeah. >> and my wife and i came up to see you. and it was hanukkah, so i brought you a dreidel. >> seth: yes. >> and then of course i found out that you're not jewish. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> which, by the way, i have four more dreidels for you. >> seth: thank you. well, that's -- this is very nice. >> and gelt. and gelt. >> seth: oh, wow. look at this. i mean, the nice thing is because you probably thought, oh, i'm not the first guy who ever gave me a dreidel, but you were, because i'm not jewish and i cannot tell you how little you're given dreidels when you're not jewish. [ laughter ] or how little you ask for them. as a non-jew, when you see a dreidel, you don't think, "oh, man. they got it good." >> no, hanukkah's not a holiday that a lot of christians have jew envy. >> seth: of course, right now i am celebrating hanukkah, because i married a beautiful jewish

woman, and we have jewish kids now. so it's full hanukkah over at the meyer's household. >> so the gelt, which is the worst tasting chocolate in the history of chocolate. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> for axle and ash, your lovely boys. >> seth: yes. it lasts eight days, because no one wants to eat it. [ laughter ] so i want to -- before we get to the news, you are a philadelphia guy. >> yeah. >> seth: philly guy. philly sports fan. and so last night was when your two worlds collide, because obviously you live in washington. the redskins played the eagles. >> yeah. i hate the redskins. >> seth: yeah. and it worked out. >> oh, my god. but that one play when sanchez gave it to peterson. >> seth: adrian peterson who ran for a 90 yard touchdown. is that just as unhappy as you can be? >> it's a -- i'm pretty sure mark sanchez throwing the ball to adrian peterson and the 90 yard touchdown is a sign of the apocalypse. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> i think that that's in the book of revelations. >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. >> seth: and then when philly ends up pulling it out, do you sort of lord it over your friends a fair amount? >> no, not this season. this season is all about, okay,

we got through that one. we got through that one. >> seth: yeah. that's true. yeah. you haven't really gotten to enjoy being the super bowl champions, because the year has been so bumpy. >> it's been a rough year. but now we're finally -- you know, anything could happen. we could end up not being in any post-season games, or we can end up winning the super bowl again. >> seth: that's very optimistic. [ laughter ] so you obviously, because of your job, one thing you cover is the day-to-day of the news. and one thing you've been covering this week is the passing of president george h. w. bush. >> yes. >> seth: tomorrow you will be live from the funeral, yes? >> yeah. i think actually it's going to be so cold that we're going to be in studio. but, yeah. we're going to be covering the funeral from morning until afternoon. >> seth: i want to ask about covering a moment like this. because a lot of people discuss when people pass away be it senator john mccain, be it george h. w. bush. how do you talk about someone who -- their legacy? because there are some who would say, you know, now is not the time to say anything negative about these people. but another level, for somebody like george h. w. bush, this might be the last time he's ever talked about at length for younger people who maybe didn't know him as a president.

like, do you try to give the whole story? or do you take this time to just be positive? because as human beings, i think we think, "oh now is not the time to say anything." >> yeah. it's an interesting question. actually, i've been thinking a lot about it, because my roots are in alternative journalism. i worked for washington city paper and salon.com. so my first instinct is to not believe the optimistic and shiny version of what we're being told on tv. but now i'm in a different role which is an anchor on cnn. when somebody passes, there is -- you feel almost more like the role of, you know, of bringing the town together to talk about somebody. we don't want to shy away from somebody's full legacy, obviously. the 1988 campaign and willie horton was ugly and rough. but by the same token, just like with any funeral, you want to talk about the good things the person did, maybe more than some of the negative things. i mean, look, there are plenty

of negative things to say about any u.s. president, certainly george h. w. bush is no exception. but i do think it's a time for people to appreciate the goodness of a president, whether it's --. well, the other thing that's interesting is when it's mccain and bush is that their histories, with all the good and the bad and the nuance, they certainly are in the shadow of the current president, might look different than they would have had they passed away ten years ago, five years ago, because there are a lot of things about george h. w. bush that maybe people now appreciate that they didn't appreciate at the time. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> that was a diplomatic way of saying it. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: that was very diplomatic. speaking of diplomacy, what was your takeaway of president trump's trip to the g20? is it what you expect now when he goes abroad and rubs shoulders with other world leaders? >> that was a fairly successful summit for president trump, i

thought. >> seth: yeah. >> i mean, in the sense that there weren't anything horrendously embarrassing that took place. >> seth: yeah. >> and we walked out of there, and we still had alliances. and he wasn't tweeting nasty things to allies. so, i mean, relatively speaking, the thing i thought about the most was that george h. w. bush, he had just passed away friday night and there was president trump at the g20 in buenos aires. and, you know, bush was somebody who really believed in international institutions. he was a former ambassador to the united nations. he was an ambassador to china. he believed in nato. he believed in, you know, whatever you think about the first gulf war, he had this international consortium. i think the u.s. even made money off of that war literally. and president trump, not such a believer in international institutions. not such a believer in alliances. not such a -- with a couple notable exceptions, not such a believer in all the things that bush stood for. and yet it's really trump's republican party these days.

and he represents a voter base that shares his view of these alliances. so i really thought, like, what a contrast it was. >> seth: one of the moments that maybe did stand out as the most -- i feel left people the most taken aback did not involve president trump. it was vladimir putin and mohammed bin salman having sort of an elaborate handshake. a very bro-y moment between -- yeah. [ light laughter ] >> yeah. >> seth: were you shocked to see that? >> love your work. >> seth: yeah. it was that. you see that at the "vanity fair" oscar party? [ laughter and applause ] >> it made me nauseous a little bit, honestly. you know? here's two killers. and look, here's the thing. they knew that the cameras were there. i mean, this wasn't like some private moment in the back corner of a restaurant. they knew the cameras were there. they were performing before the world, and they were delighted. they got away with it. this guy killed one journalist. welcome, you know.

i've been doing this for years. >> seth: are you shocked by -- because, it does seem, you know, when you look back at the watergate tapes that required people to find private tapes where it seems like we live in a moment where the president's watergate tapes are just on twitter every day. [ laughter ] >> it's insane. >> seth: what you used to have to find is being given to you. that also looked like a moment that you would watch on a security camera and say, "look, we had them shaking hands right there." >> yes. we got it. >> seth: and now just people are sort of baldly doing it out in open. has that weird for you as a journalist how people just sort of hand it to you as opposed to making you go looking for it? >> well, i think it's numbed all of us. if there had been an e-mail that leaked during the obama years when our standards for these sorts of things existed -- [ laughter ] then, and it had said something along the lines of the email -- the tweets that trump sent out this week about michael cohen is this and roger stone has guts, 'cause he's refusing to cooperate with the law.

[ laughter ] that if that had been an e-mail, you would be like, i got him. this is my watergate. this is my deep throat. trump just tweets it. >> seth: yeah. >> he just tweets it. we're like, "oh, yes, right." [ laughter ] >> seth: well, i mean, the genius of it is, you know, again if obama did it we would talk about it forever, because it would be the only time he did it. whereas if you just do it every three hours, you just have to move on emotionally as a human. >> we don't even get to it sometimes. >> seth: yeah. >> i think i didn't even get to -- i don't even think i covered the day that trump came back from pittsburgh from the synagogue where that horrible anti-semitic massacre had taken place and spent time tweeting about who had been nice to him and who had not been nice to him as if that was on anybody's mind or anybody cared about that. i think by the time we got to my show at 4:00 eastern, i think so

many other things had happened, i didn't even get to it. >> seth: yeah. >> i mean, that happens all the time. because there's just -- >> seth: i wonder if they ever say to him, "oh, president trump, this is trouble. these tweets are bad." he's like, "don't worry. i'm going to do 50 other [ bleep ] up things. [ laughter ] you don't have to worry about that. that's all ready in the rear view." we'll be right back with more. i want to talk about my favorite tapper, who is not you. so, we'll be right back with more from jake tapper. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

[speaking in italian] ...i just got my ancestrydna results: 74% italian. and i found out that i'm from the big toe of that sexy italian boot! calabria. it even shows the migration path from south italia all the way to exotico new jersey! so this holiday season it's ancestrydna per tutti! order your kit now at ancestry.com

-morning. -morning. -what do we got? -keep an eye on that branch. might get windy. have a good shift. fire pit. last use -- 0600. i'd stay close.

morning. ♪ get ready to switch. protected by flo. should say, "protected by alan and jamie." -right? -should it? when you bundle home and auto... run, alan! ...you get more than just savings. you get 'round-the-clock protection.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. we're here with jake tapper. real quick, i don't believe this actually came out today, but we were expecting that robert mueller was going to release the sentencing documents for michael flynn today. paul manafort we're hearing maybe friday. these are called public-facing documents. >> yeah. it's bringing information to the public about why they're doing what they've been doing. for instance, for flynn it's about what flynn has been

providing for them since he's been cooperating for a year. i think they've delayed his sentencing recommendation for four different times, because they were still cooperating. so this will be whether or not he thinks flynn should face any jail time and what he's been doing to help. >> seth: as a betting man, do you think in the end, people will be satisfied or disappointed? let's put it -- when i say people, people who have been looking to this mueller investigation as the moment that it will all come crashing down. do you think they will be disappointed or satisfied? >> well, there's certain left-leaning cable hosts that i think that they will be very disappointed, because it won't be, you know, literally donald trump, a picture with him and a smoking gun and, you know, a tattoo of vladimir putin on his chest. [ light laughter ] but i do think it won't be good. >> seth: yeah. >> i think it will be ugly. i don't think it will necessarily affect him per se. and he won't be indicted, because there's justice department guidelines that sitting presidents are seldom, i think never indicted. but look, here's the honest

answer. none of us have any idea. >> seth: none of us have any idea. >> really. i mean, had you heard of george papadopoulos before he was -- you know, before that plea agreement came out? >> seth: i had not, no. [ laughter ] tell me -- about this. last time you were here, you were talking about your "new york times" best-selling fiction book, "hellfire club." >> yes. >> seth: you had written a nonfiction book a ways back called "the outpost." >> yes. >> seth: a wonderful, thrilling book about a real life incident that happened. and now it's being adapted into a film? >> that's right. rod lurie, the director, we just finished shooting in bulgaria where they had recreated the entire army base, combat output keating. my family and i, we went to go visit and look at this army base. there were three actual veterans who served at cop keating. it was attacked. it was a horrible battle in 2009. and they're working on the set. i hooked them up with rod. and they were working on the set and advising on the movie, acting in the movie. they were there and they were kind of like spooked out but also found it cathartic that they were on this recreation of a u.s. base that had been attacked and had been destroyed. >> seth: and obviously some

lives were lost and this is a case where now people are being -- some of those real life people are being portrayed in this film? >> yes. so this is -- that's rod lurie, the director. this is jacob scipio. he's a british actor who plays justin gallegos. justin was killed on october 2, 2009. and he actually -- he was awarded posthumously a silver star and the army just announced that they're upgrading it to a distinguished service cross. so, it's great. it's a way to honor these men and their families. and i hope it's meaningful for them. it's been meaningful to be part of it. >> seth: another thing we talked about is your daughter wrote an op-ed in "the new york times." >> newyorktimes.com. yes. >> seth: yes. >> an op-ed about -- >> seth: and she is how old now? >> she's 11. she was 10 when she -- when she and bari weiss edited her worked -- >> seth: good. 'cause 11 is a little late. [ laughter ] yeah. i'm glad she got it in at 10, because by 11 most people have written their op-ed in "the new york times." >> she came up with this great idea to encourage girls to raise their hand in class. she noticed that boys would raise their hand even if they

had no idea what the answer was. squirrels! they would -- you know. [ light laughter ] but girls didn't do -- girls were very -- very reluctant. and so she talked about it with her girl scout troop. she came up with the idea for a patch, a raise your hand patch to encourage girls to raise their hand. and i tweeted the picture of the patch. i was so excited and bari weiss from "the new york times" saw it and alice wrote an op-ed for the times. >> seth: and now it's being adapted -- [ cheers and applause ] if you like that, you guys are going to be blown away by this. it's adapted into a book, "raise your hand." >> "raise your hand." yeah. this is -- it's so great. right? it comes out in march. and it's basically alice's story. marta kissi did the illustrations. they're amazing. and yeah, that's alice. that's what she looks like. she's cuter than that. >> seth: that's fantastic. [ applause ] you are also an accomplished -- an accomplished artist. you do the "state of cartoonion" every week. >> yeah. "state of cartoonion" every week. yeah. >> seth: were you ever in the

mix to maybe do the art for this book? >> no. look how good this is. >> seth: yeah. >> i mean, this is -- no, no, no. they asked me. >> seth: i mean, i'm not surprised. i also think this is better than yours, but i was wondering -- you knew right away that you weren't going to get the --? >> i didn't want to. i'm not that good. this is amazing stuff. they did ask me to do some illustrations that are in the liner notes, like, you know, when you open the book before you get to the pages. it's kind of like the very forgettable pages. >> seth: yeah. the one you flip through, because you're like, "this isn't the book yet." >> this isn't the book. i'm not in the book. the liner notes have some illustrations. they're not in this copy here. they have some illustrations that i did, but i feel like they did that to make me feel better. >> seth: uh-huh. [ laughter ] yeah, like they wanted to let you down easy for the fact that -- >> well, alice has a big book coming out and, you know, but you can do the cartoons. no, not the ones that people will look at. [ laughter ] >> seth: are you a little -- obviously, you know, now you're both in the book game. are you a little worried more people are going to buy alice's books? >> i hope more people buy her book than mine. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> although, we should note, all of the money, alice is donating all of it to the local chapter of the girl scouts. >> seth: that's fantastic. [ cheers and applause ]

because i'm pretty sure with both of your books, you famously kept all the money. right? >> no, no. for the novel i did. but i did give a portion of "the outpost" to military charities. >> seth: and let me just say real quick, because you do so much with military charities. and you've helped me get involved with some of them as well. i remember reaching out to you to ask what some of the best are. >> and every year, when we do our auction, you donate a visit to the set here and a photo-op for our auctions to raise money for "homes for our troops." >> seth: but you have been so helpful with me. do you feel like right now, obviously, we have -- again, we're talking about when you mention john mccain, you mention george h. w. bush, you know, obviously they served this country. we have a president who talks a lot about how he's the best president for the military ever. real quick, is this country doing enough for our vets? >> never. we're never doing enough for our vets. i mean, the very fact that a charity like "homes for our troops" has to exist, that builds mortgage free specially designed homes for the most severely wounded veterans from

afghanistan and iraq, just so they can have some semblance of a normal life, the very fact that charity has to exist says we're not doing enough for our veterans. but what i'm most concerned about right now is, i think we're actually now at a point where more troops have killed themselves post-war than died in the first iraq war or in the iraq war, the most recent iraq war, because of the rate of military suicides. so dealing with that is something that i think society really has to grapple with. >> seth: well, i certainly agree with you. and thank you for everything you do for the vets. and thank you for being here. it's always such a pleasure to see you. [ cheers and applause ] >> happy hanukkah. >> seth: happy hanukkah to you. jake tapper, everyone. we'll be back with bill burr. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ this holiday, no matter who's on your list, we've got great gifts at great prices! so, bring us your husband who thinks he's a celebrity chef. get him something stain-less and pain-less. bring us your sister who's always asking "can you hold this... and this?"

you're both welcome. and bring us your daughter, the daredevil. a bike. she'll love it. and bring us your parents, who are super competitive... ...oh boy... game on. find the perfect gifts for everyone. for way less than you'd expect. we've got ideas, and great prices. tj maxx, marshalls and homegoods. we'veyour guests ...brought guests. luckily you're a whiz at winging it. just mix hidden valley ranch dip with a little sour cream, some fresh spinach, and voila. dip equals done. get your dip together with hidden valley.

kevin, i hav♪ your caramel brulee lattes ready! opportunity is everywhere. like here. where nothing stands between you and your best friends. ♪ (robot) ugh. this screen!tected! you know, sprint has the awesome new iphone xr. oooh. let's take a picture! whoa! it's so clear! yeah, it has an amazing liquid retina display... (photographer) look at the colors! ...on a network built for unlimited. this is amazing! i can't hold this smile much longer! i can. (vo) and now, get iphone xr on us when you lease the latest iphone. for people with hearing loss, switch to sprint today! visit sprintrelay.com.

to help protect our home?here of course. what about here? yup. nice! yeah okay... here? mhhm. who puts tinfoil in the microwave? here? here? here? feels a little awkward. a little. here? here too. so, cold. mhhm. go with the one that's here to help life go right. state farm.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our next guest is a very funny comedian and actor you know from "breaking bad" and such films as "the heat" and "the front-runner." the third season of his animated show "f is for family" is currently streaming on netflix. please welcome to the show bill burr, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ >> seth: welcome to the show. >> how are you doing? >> seth: i'm doing wonderful. congrats on the -- the third season of your show. you play a father of three. this is you there. >> yes, i do. >> seth: and you did not make it look like you. you decided to go a different direction. >> yes, i did. that's frank murphy loosely based on my dad. everybody watches that and goes, "did your dad do this, did he do that?" no. it's loosely based because i wanted my family to be able to watch it and not, you know, be mortified. [ laughter ] >> seth: and do you enjoy -- are there things that you find you can do in animation that you couldn't do in live action? >> yeah, i mean -- yeah, because a lot of the -- you know, and i try to do live action shows, they would never pick them up. everything i wanted to do, they'd be like, "that's too mean, you know, kids will cry, and you know, all this stuff that they say." but, you know, nobody cares about animated kids -- so it works out fine. nobody can be like --

[ laughter ] >> seth: more often than not, they're not -- it's adults being the kids, the voices. >> yeah. so it's kind of -- yeah, it kind of works out. i know, but i always, you know, my whole career has kind of just been, you know, just off to the side. so no one really pays attention to me, but enough people do that i stay in the business so. [ laughter ] >> seth: it's a nice place to be. >> yeah it is. >> seth: i'm certainly glad. you have a two-year-old yourself now. congratulations. >> yes, she's going to be two next month. >> seth: and that's fantastic. and you're turning 50 -- >> turning 50. >> seth: turn 50 and your next special is called "50." how are you feeling at 50? >> i felt good. i mean, i haven't drank in like ten days, which is like, it's boring but, you know, you wake up, your stomach's flat, and you're like, "all right, this isn't that bad." [ laughter ] no, i obviously became a dad late at 48 so i got to make sure. i got to be there for at least 30 years to make sure, you know, she doesn't marry a jerk. [ laughter ] and then, yeah, then i can just kick off and that'll be it. happy holidays, everybody. [ laughter ] there you go. [ applause ]

very environmentally sound. >> seth: oh, you mean getting out at 70 is environmentally sound. >> no, 80. >> seth: oh, 80. >> i'd be 80. i got to go to 80. and then, me and my wife, two people who only created one, and then we die before she makes anybody, right? >> seth: yeah. >> no more traffic like produced by us. that's how you got to do it. >> seth: that's great. i feel like they should -- you should get a free plot if you do that. >> she get a tax break. >> seth: yeah. >> if you don't create any people, like you should be like a hero. they should have like a parade for you. >> seth: because it goes the opposite direction now, of course. you get a tax break for the more kids you get. so you're saying it should go the other direction. >> yeah, yeah. no more kids. i'm anti-kids. [ laughter ] they need to be stopped. no. i don't know. >> seth: are you -- i heard you're thinking about going back to church? >> yeah. [ laughter ] i don't believe -- i don't believe in any of it, really. and my church, i feel like when i'm going there, i'm helping to pay for a legal team. [ laughter ] no, they only rape kids. come on, here we go.

you're not against that, are you? jesus christ. i never understood why people grown that. he brought it up. [ laughter ] i didn't do it so i'm against it. if you were confused about what i was saying there. so -- but then, every other religion just seems too far down the line. they got the giant book and i never read the one in my religion so i'm not doing that. but then, i can't go to like some, you know, like those new groovy ones where everyone is just dressed in regular clothes. like, "hey man, everybody gets to share." it's just like, i can't do that. [ laughter ] so i don't know. i just think it reminds you to not be, you know, an ass [ bleep ]. >> seth: do you think that -- >> once a week, you just kind of go there and you sit down and you think about your week or whatever, is the person tells all the, you know, stuff that's hard to believe. >> seth: is it because you're a dad? is having a child now why you're become reflective and thinking of? >> no. i never had that moment where i had a kid. i hate those people that have kids and then they become this

new person and they pretend like they weren't this guy doing keg stands and driving drunk or whatever the hell you did. [ laughter ] it was like, "no, i was a jerk. i'm not going to try to become somebody i wasn't." but it was just, no, i'm doing well in this business, you start selling tickets and you start feeling like you're kind of living a slothful, more glutinous life. what am i doing smoking this cigar and drinking this high end -- hooch. who are you? you had a -- go back to church, you idiot. so, it's more along those lines. >> seth: well that's a good reason to go. you are selling a lot of tickets and you're about to do "what is my dream" tour, you're going to europe to do standup in europe and you're also going in the winter. >> are you one of those americans that just automatically thinks they're smarter over there? cause you gotta go -- cause everybody american goes, "oh, my god, the food and the people are so enlightened." you go over there and it's some idiot eating fish and chips screaming about soccer or whatever. [ laughter ] it's like, "i know that guy." i've seen that guy, you know? it's like everybody's over there

in like lab coats figuring stuff out. they're not. everything's so much older and so much cultured. they still get on social media and trash each other. [ light laughter ] >> seth: are you going to any places? you obviously toured a lot over there before. are you going places you've never been? >> yes, this is like a thrash. i'm going through eastern europe, estonia, i'm doing prague, bosnia, poland is a big one i wanted to go to. and yeah. >> seth: do you go in with an expectation? do you think to yourself, "oh, a bosnian audience will like this part of my act?" or you do just go in and do exactly what you would do? >> i act like i'm right here. because if you go over there, the first time i did london, like, i was just in my head the whole time. i'd have like a joke coming up about like -- and it involved a squirrel and then in my head, i'd be like, "do they have squirrels over here?" did i see a squirrel? [ laughter ] is this going to bomb and i'd be like freaking out. and then, i swear to god, you pull back and then they'd pull back and then it just becomes like this staring contest. so i just act like i'm here. i use references, i use slang and i just go until it bombs and

then i make fun of it that they didn't get it, and then, i just go again. but i've gotten some of the funniest -- i was in stockholm, sweden one time and i was on stage and there was some guy, you know, i was saying, "all right, what do i do after this, where should i go, blah, blah, blah," and i just hear this guy in the crowd yells out, he goes, "come to my house, we'll have a party." [ laughter ] i was just like, "yeah, i think i'm going to skip that one." [ light laughter ] i don't think i'm going to meet you anywhere, buddy. but they had a great sense of humor. and i remember when i did stockholm -- stockholm, sweden. i came out and i said, "hey, it's great to be here in switzerland," and they all laughed thinking i was joking and i just played it off. i was like ah [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] so anyways. >> seth: do you feel a bigger rush? is there something, you know, when you think about all the small rooms you played here and where you're from and when you go over to a whole other country, do you have a rush of i can't believe i'm killing it in

a foreign country in a big crowd? >> yeah, definitely, but i always had that thing, you know, you have a job to do, these people paid for a sitter. they're coming out in that thing and i'm always trying to get like better. but there's definitely -- i've been starting to add some shows over there and it's just like, you know, it's youtube, it's netflix, like your stuff can just go international. and i definitely feel blessed that i can go to these places, make a little bit of money, you know? and meet all these different people. >> seth: do you enjoy yourself the day of, like, if you obviously you're going city to city, so you don't have a lot of time. if you have a show at night in prague, can you go out and enjoy a day in prague or are you in your head about the fact that you have a show? >> probably not because this is my first time there. the first time there is always just you go there like you know, an animal, sleeping on a futon and all that. athen, you build a following and then i can bring my wife, you know. she shows up once all the land's been cleared, all the hard work's done. [ laughter ] "oh, i want to go, that seems like fun." i didn't bring her, she probably buy some stupid antique over there and then, i got to figure out how to bring it halfway across the world.

[ laughter ] "but i like it." >> seth: you break even on the whole trip because you got an old piano. >> that's the word that's going to kill me. earlier, it's going to be why. that's what my wife always does. "do you like this, no, i don't like it. it's a piece of [ bleep ], don't get it." and then she's always just like, "why? [ laughter ] but i like it." and then, it's just like, "all right, buy it." "no, but i want you to like it too." and it's just like, there's just no winning. >> seth: you're a licensed helicopter pilot? >> yes, i am. >> seth: this is true. how long has this been the case? >> i got it in 2014 or 2015. i can't remember. >> seth: what made you want to become a licensed helicopter pilot? >> conspiracy theory and living in los angeles. >> seth: what is the conspiracy theory that led you to it? >> well i'm not into -- like, you know, people think if you're into conspiracy theory, they just automatically think there's lizard people and shape shifters and you have this aluminum hat on. no, i just sort of read up on the banking system and i'm like, "this is kind of a giant ponzi scheme."

and you know, i was living in la and i was just looking at us like, "you can't get out of this city even when it even works." like what if [ bleep ] ever hit the fan, how do i get out of here. and it just seemed like up and out was the only way to do it. [ applause ] >> seth: so then i think you know. >> yeah, but then, i always watch "magnum pi" and i always like tc and he flew that hughie 500 which i thought was cool. and so then i'm also sort of a closet gear head where i don't know a lot of stuff but i watch videos of people repairing engines and i just really got into it and next thing you know, i'm flying around in those things. >> seth: i guess my question would be though based on your escape plan, do you have your own helicopter? >> no. there's a lot of holes in it. [ laughter ] >> seth: this is not enough for your family. >> i know. i know. but i can only afford -- i just rent those things. it's just like, yeah. that's the thing. there's another thing too. whenever you watch like a zombie movie and some guy comes running up to like a helicopter i should say, and just starts it up like he's getting in like you know, a

corvette and just drives away. that's not how it works. you got to warm the whole thing up. you would have to kill half the zombies by the time you went through your pre-flight just to get up and out of there. i didn't know that so i went ahead and i did it. and i will tell you, it's one of the big accomplishments in my life because i was terrible in school. and but that was something that i was actually -- i wasn't worried about learning how the fly, it was the ground school and all the rules you had to know. but i was so interested and it was so fascinating, i was actually able to do it so. you know. >> seth: well, fantastic. and congratulations on that. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> seth: congrats on the show. have a great trip to europe, man. >> oh, thank you. thank you very much. >> seth: it's always a pleasure to see you. >> i'm grateful you finally did this. >> seth: bill burr, everybody. "f is for family" is streaming on netflix. for stand-up tour dates, go to billburr.com. we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ find a song and sing it round round round ♪ ♪ and with ties so strong that your hearts are bound ♪ ♪ hold them near

♪ the ones you've found found found ♪ ♪ for you know that this is really love ♪ ♪ and your head goes spinning round round round ♪ ♪ 'cause you've found what you've been dreaming of ♪ ♪ but yeah you know that this is really love ♪ whoot! yaaaayyy!!! aww. yaaaayyy!!! aww. yaaaayyy!!! aww. we hide hotel names, so you can find four star hotels at two star prices. h-o-t-w-i-r-e hotwire.com [woman 2] ..this... [man 1] ...this is my body of proof. [man 2] proof of less joint pain... [woman 3] ...and clearer skin. [man 3] proof that i can fight psoriatic arthritis... [woman 4] ...with humira.

[woman 5] humira targets and blocks a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. it's proven to help relieve pain, stop further irreversible joint damage, and clear skin in many adults. humira is the number one prescribed biologic for psoriatic arthritis. [avo] humira can lower your ability to fight infections. serious and sometimes fatal infections, including tuberculosis, and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. [woman 6] ask your rheumatologist about humira. [woman 7] go to mypsaproof.com to see proof in action. hey uh, quick question. do you like paying for things you don't need? no. and do you want to get things you love for free? who wouldn't? exactly! right. dad, apple music. he gets it. this guy gets it.

(vo) get six months free apple music, on the network you deserve. take a test drive { upbeat music playing ] and get a front-row seat to plenty of entertainment. the volkswagen "drive to decide" event. get a volkswagen with america's best six-year, 72,000 mile limited warranty.

sfx: tsfx: feet shufflingc life can change in an instant. be covered when it does... ...with a health plan through covered california. we offer free expert help choosing the best plan for you.

and all of our plans include free preventive care. financial help is available, so check for yourself to see what savings you qualify for. for health insurance starting january 1st, enroll by december 15th. because you never know when life... ...will change. get covered today. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. are you guys familiar with dog shaming websites? what they are is people take a picture of their dog looking guilty next to a little sign that said what the dog did. here's an example. ate my daddy's $300 sunglasses. cute, right? here's another one, i enjoyed digging the flower beds up and eating mulch because i'm bored. adorable. but these are all -- they're minor offenses. and after searching around the internet, we found some websites featuring dogs that have done much, much worse things. we would like to show them to you now in a segment we call "extreme dog shaming."

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: extreme indeed. let's take a look at our first dog. aww. he looks adorable. i can't imagine he'd do anything too bad. when my phone rings in a theater, i just let it ring so no one knows it's mine. [ laughter ] don't do that. bad dog. all right, who's next? aww, what did you do, buddy? when i talk, i end every sentence like a question? [ laughter ] bad dog. who's next? what did you do, buddy? i make people watch funny youtube videos and then stand two inches away watching their reactions. don't do that, you're ruining the enjoyment. you're ruining it. who's next? what did this little puppers do. i regularly say i didn't see your text when i definitely saw your text. [ applause ] and i know. i know you're lying to me when you do that. who's next? oh, what did this little guy do?

i got this cone because i'm faking a disability claim. bad dog. who is next? and what did you do, cutie? i call waiters garcon. [ laughter ] what an ass [ bleep ]. who's next? oh, what did you do? i came to new york city just to whiz on the rockefeller center christmas tree. bad dog. but i like how you think big. who's next? aww. hi, guy. what happened here? i wish this song in the cars for kids commercial was longer. [ laughter ] who's next? what did you do, little fella? i ate my dad's important papers. i'm sure that's not that big a deal. who's your dad? oh, no! oh, no! bad dog! [ laughter ] who's next? oh, wait a second. this is my dog, frisbee. frisbee, what did you do?

i asked santa for some balls because seth doesn't have any. frisbee. this has been extreme dog shaming. we'll be right back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to jake tapper, bill burr. nikki glaspie and of course the 8g band. stay tuned for carson daly. we'll see you tomorrow everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪